Our first and last Last Day

I woke up early so I could have a good last morning with Baxter. We fell asleep together, he on the floor, me on the couch. i'm not sure what he made of me taking down all the wee-wee pads in the guest room, putting his toy and food in a bag, folding up the blanket in his box (first lying on it for awhile, so it would have my scent.)

Wendy and I walked baxter for a long while this morning, all the way to Farley's and back. He's such a happy dog these days, tail up, ears forward, unless he sees me and then it's ears back butt wraggling and wriggling, tail pumping. Has a human ever done that for me? Not sure. there is nothing like an animal's love. so straightforward.

I feel the iron locking around my heart. There's a dog and a kind human waiting for him across the GG bridge.

I covered the back seat with pads, and sure enough the poor guy egan to drool almost before we'd gone a block. By the bottom of the hill, he'd thrown up, the first of four times. We stopped and walked him once, otherwise i petted him and told him what a good boy he was and wendy drove with all the windows open and he drooled and looked miserable and threw up.

At cid's house he bucked enough to be happy to see mucci. mucci was in fine doggie form, much more boisterous in his own home. I inspectd the house for safety and dog love and cruelty free products and found keihls and bumble and bumble (i thought they were fine but they're not.) we discussed writing a letter to the companies and also phasing them out. wendy kept giving me the eye to leave and i kept dawdling. baxter peed a few times, marking the house, and I realized that maybe i hadn't prepard cid for that. later she would call me in a panic and i would explain how you really had to limit his options, and not let him go everywhere and he won't soil in what he thinks is "his" area. I also told her that I too had had a hard time with the peeing until I realized that it was all clean-up-able and that i had to let go a little and lighten up about furntiure which was easily cleanable,fixable or replacable, and concentrate on a dog's heart, which really was broken, and that was where the care really needed to be.

finally it was time. I called him outside, bent over, and wept into his neck.

Meeting a potential adopter

Katie, Shannon, March 28, 2013

Baxter and Mucci met today. There was a play date in our backyard, and then a walk so the humans could talk and the dogs could do their doggie thing. 

Baxter has become a happy dog in this past month, but I have never seen him as ecstatic as he was today, with another beagle in near proximity. He was even happier than when he met Muppet, which was also a delight to him. Today he dashed around, wanting to play, and really didn't stop until the leashes were put on and the walk began. Mucci was sanguine about it, and only got annoyed when Baxter nipped at his heels in order to get his attention. Then Mucci put Baxter in his place. This did not deter Baxter, who went back in play stance immediately. He was great on leash, seemed to like being with Mucci but didn't keep bugging him to play or for attention. After Mucci and Cid left, Baxter had a look that said, Really? Really? I get to play with a buddy? Really? Now he's sacked out on his blanket. All the excitement has worn him out. 

Cid is going to contact you, but she liked baxter a lot, though she may have been alarmed by the extent of his joy, only because her concern is, understandably, for Mucci and his own comfort with a bouncing dog. She wants to take him on a two week trial, starting this Saturday. I'm going to drive Baxter over there, and do an inspection of the house at that time too. Is that okay? I liked Cid a lot, she clearly cares about animals, and I think it would be a perfect home for Baxter. There's a companion dog he can learn from, a huge yard in which to play, and a doggie door for complete access. 

Caroline

FIrst Full Moon

Tuesday Night March 26

Tonight we went out to the back porch for the Last Pee. Not sure he gets it yet. He just sat and he and I looked at the full moon for awhile. I'm in a heavy overcoat and i jam my hands in my pockets and say PeePee! over and over with hope and a little desperation. he just looks at me. sometimes he jettisons himself into a bushy area the cats like to lie down in, driven there by their scent. when i call he pushes himself back out, wags his tail and then, this time, lies on his back squirms around a little feet kicking in the air, belly up, ears flopped back. he looks like a giant rabbit. I walk over, coo, rub his belly for awhile and there we stay dog and human, happy as can be under a large round full moon.

Tuesday March 26

I make sure to wake up before baxter, so he and i can greet without any teachable moments. i sprayed him last night and felt bad about it but he was scratching at the door  - it didn't help that the cats were sitting right outside, clearly taunting. he has taken to running around the kitchen to show his joy, scrabbling around the corners, sliding into the broom and then on the next corner the cats' water. he lies by the sofa unleashed for long periods of time and this morning after a greeting that included him at first  wary (spray training the night before) he wriggled and waggled and didn't seem to want to be outside so i let him in and he lay right down and has geen ther every since while i read.

first poop outside

March 24, 2013

It's sunday, beautiful out, and wendy takes baxter for a walk. I was up at 7 am and baxter did not scratch or howl to get me up and so i feel like i should get to him before he does and show him that he's a good dog for not doing so. I nap on the sofa while they're gone. More than an hour goes by and i get a frantic text Diaarhea! Baxter! In someone;s driveway. Need help cleaning it up!

and then another right after that said Hurry!

I pack a bag of paper towels and water spray and the miracle scent stuff and even medical gloves and hoof it over. it's the first time he's ever pooped on a walk and poor guy it's because he couldn't help it.

two more bark firsts - one to two pretty looking bulldogs - same MO, all good at first and then Baxter snarl-barks and it's over.

A lare black and white dog looks like she wants to eat baxter. Um, Is it okay if my dog meets yours? She has trouble with other dogs, a woman pushing a pram ahead of her husband and the dog says. She' sfine in the park but on the leash .... she trails off. I drag Baxter to teh other side of the road. He's just learning to be with other dogs I say, so I guess that's not a good idea. He's a foster. She was a foster too, the woman says cheerfully.

Park walk with Goose and John

Friday March 22

Baxter expresses his excitement to me in dog play moves, but then when i try to join in, he skitters away in fear. I'm just a human making erratic gestures and strange faces in his direction - probalby like in the lab.

i leave him during the day to go to the docs for my back and watch him on my dropcam. he sits by the door, paces by the door and finally lies by the door. he howls only once and i suspect the cats may be taunting him on the other side. it breaks my heart to see him alert and still listening, waiting, listening, hoping.

I meet john in the park and since there are no other dogs around call goose and then let baxter off leash, but the leash still attached for easier grab, to chase her, which he does, with dog joy and abandon, roudn and round in circles, careening and caroming, john and i laughing to see such freedom.

First rain: he minces across the porch, confused and then dashes back in, right into the towel i have waiting, which he doesn't like at all. i try to clean off his paws and he skitters away and i wonder if this was something they did in the lab.

but baxter has been striking first these days. it's as if he's learned this from the dogs who did it to him. we come across a bulldog offleash and at first it's all tailwagging and sniffing btw him and goose and baxter but then suddenly baxter does a bark snarl and i immediately yank him and push him to the ground and alpha dog him and he doesn't really seem contrite, just willing to play along with me. then he does it again, to the big half pit (and the woman claims half beagle, but i don't see it) and also scaring the shit out of me by doing it to valentine, alicia's huge mastiff, on the corner of carolina and 22 and valentine, at first wanting to play, then got serious and snarled back and for a moment i envisaged her pullign alicia off her feet and having her mastiff way with us, but then it was over, us owners dragging our dogs away, smiling apologetic knowing smiles.
last night i lay beside baxter, spooning him and half aslep he just rolled over on his back sprawled like a flayed rabbit. i rubbed his tummy and murmured nonsense words into his neck and it was that way until finally it was time to go to bed and i thought, okay i understand the dog thing, the deep bond, the meaning, and then pushed that thought away and went to bed.

First (very fat) beagle outside of a cage

there are more troubled dogs and dogs who don't get along with other dogs, than i realized. the white poodly thing with the twenty something owner who says She has Issues with Dogs, when I ask if Baxter can say hi. There;s the terrier that get's territorial near her house. There's the dachsund who barks well before baxter approaches promptly the owner only to shrug and smile.

i am hardening my heart against baxter, who seems so happy to see me. He steps away as I appriach and then lurches back forward tail high, ears flapping, bottom doing a dance of it's own. He looks to me when a cat approaches (canicanicani) or at least does so in the house (outside he still chases). He bounds ahead of me as i step into the kitchen and then back again. In the morning when I get him (if i'm not there to spray him to stop him from scratching and barking and whining at 4 pm) he acts as if he's never seen someone as lovely and kind as me. He still suddenly flinches if i move toward him with a towel in my hand, or if i grab him suddenly by the scruff he cries (supposedly they took them to procedures like that - just dragged them down the hallway full grown dog, by their scruff. Wont do it again.)

Today joe the foster guy and his beagle muppet came over. muppet is the fattest dog i have ever seen in my life. a rescue from the spanish medical lab a year ago, i imagined him to be small and bouncy. he was a little taller than baxter but weighed 60 pounds instead of 30. i was so shocked i didn't know what to say but wondered if this was the right home for baxter, even though everyone from the beagle freedom project spoke so highly of joe.

Baxter was ectastic. Muppet was pretty unmoved, and didn't mind baxter sniffing and pushing and running and trying to play. Joe and I talked in the backyard as muppet nosed around and baxter tried to engage him. everything he did baxter suddenly did. the dry food that he disliked? muppet took some bites and so baxter charged right in and ate voraciously. the water he never drinks? lapped it right up after muppet. the cat food he ignores? at the bowl next to the one muppet chomped out of. it was pretty funny actually.

joe is a handsome gay guy who clearly loves muppet. when he first saw him coming toward him he just knew they were meant to be together he said, and got teary (and i did too).

He has Muppets tattoo number tattooed on his own ears.

We walked the neighborhood and talked - i was worried that muppet, who looked like a misshapen dog would keel over from the hills. Joe didn't seem to realize he was so fat. when wendy met him she said hi chubby and joe looked a little taken aback.  there are three sizes of beagles he saie, a tad defensive (normal, fat, superfuckingfat?)

Joe said that he had gotten complacent as an adult - he would come home from work and wanted to veg out and didn't believe in anything passionately, until he met muppet. now he has cleaned his house of products that test on animals, he is thinking of going vegan or at least vegetarian, and he fosters beagles and other dogs in need that was really cool, i thought. i like this guy, i thought. baxter will be happy with him, i thought.

even hours later, when they are gone and we are just lying around, baxter has taken the bone he has ignored for the past few days and begun to chew on it happily, because muppet liked it.

First rain

Wed March 21
I spoke to a foster and to a potential adopter.

First 1 am howl

Tuesday March 21
The freegle is finding his voice, literally. he has taken to scrambling, scratching and finally barking at 6 on a sunday mornung and that was okay - i went in and got into the bed and he went into his and we went on to sleep until 8 - but last night it started at 1 am. He was so excited when I walked into the room he wriggled and waggled and whimpered but i tried to keep my mad face on and got into bed and he went into his and after about ten minutes i got up and left and he didn't make any noise until 6 am this morming. Yesterday wendy called me at the Grotto and said I had to come home he was howling, she said, and so i did.

at the park i ran into masaki and her owner corinne and we snuck into the childs area so they could play. masaki is a big beautiful part collie part retriever looking dog and can catch frisbees in the air and though baxter growled at her when he was sniffing her toy this time everything was peaceful except he wouldn't romp wtih her he was instead fascinated with the dogs on the other side of the fence and corinne remarked this was probably the way it was in the lab and i said yes, probably. then masaki came by once again to get him to play and nipped him on the heels and i thought uh oh, but instead he began to chase her, all in good fun and they tore around for awhile. Baxter had never run like this, playing with one dog, not even at the dogpark, which was just running and sniffing, while this was really playing a game of tag and he looked like a puppy, so happy and gallumphing.

Shannon of BFP said there would be someone to take over fostering when we're done and wendy suddenly had a hissy fit, saying we couldn't do that to him, shunt him from house to house and I got cold feet and shannon assured me that this foster guy adored his beagles, having one of his own from the project too. But was it the right dog? Is he going to be locked up all day? what about his bad habits, would he be yelled at. But the guy called me and it was clear he was pretty great and we set up a playdate for the end of the week.

settling in, tail up

Thursday March 14

Baxter greets me in the morning with his tail up and wagging and his body wriggling. his large ears tilt back and forth and he sometimes whimpers his excitement. I put on his harness, leash him, and put him in the backyard as i make coffee. It's been just over two weeks and now he wanders the garden tail up, not really needing to come in. He's learned so much - not to jump on the glass and scratch frantically when he sees the cats. To answer to his name, at least in the vicinity of the house and yard. Not to pace  - now he lies next to the sofa (leashed) when in the house. Not to lunge at the cats - he even walks away from them and today he had a nose touch with Mia. The spray bottle worked quickly. Once he jumped on the table and I sprayed him and he flung himself off, petrified, and then ran to ME. I felt terrible but also good.

I bought him a dog bed, covered it with the thin blanket I was using as his sleeping space, and he loves it. He snored a little as he slept, he was so comfortable. We went to get him a new harness, because he's chewed his almost through (so lucky I caught it) and he was carsick again, but then perked up, went crazy in pet store, all those smells of other dogs and food. And for the first time he ran when we walked, not just a trot but an all out run unprovoked. It made my heart sing to see him so happy.

Wendy took him on a 1.5 hour walk. I love him, she told me solemnly afterward.

First foggy morning

Wednesday March 13

I'm at a cafe, he's pacing his room. Now he's at the door, scratching. Shit, I hope wendy doesn't hare and get upset. She's on this killer deadline. Now he's sitting at the door, just sitting. for minutes at a time. He yawns, keeps sitting. Finally he lies down, at the door, waiting.

We had an hour walk this morning around the neighborhood. It was foggy and cold. His first fog! He didn't notice. We had a lot of short and successful dog encounters. Even the encounter with the heavily perfumed, heavily made up, hyper well dressed (certainly in comparison to me, who has decided on "dog clothes" - a large wool coat, a grey hoodie, baggy sweats) elderly woman with the two small dogs, who i would usually avoid - was just a tail wagging session, even when the tiny dachsund barked he didn't seem aggravated.

I'm on the couch alot these days because of my back - a frustrating, humiliating experience to be hurt once again - and Baxter sleeps next to me, on a blanket I put down. He talks in his sleep, once barked, and twitches and whimpers and kicks. I don't know if he's having running dreams - the only way to be free in a cage - or bad dreams. Sometimes I put my hand on him very softly, and he wakes up in increments, the kicking slowing, his voice quieting and he looks up and I say, You're okay, now, boy, You're okay.

First doggy date, and first dog park

Sunday March 10
He had a doggie date with Goosethere wasn't the abandon and mayhem I had hoped for - the dog playing i so love to see - but there was a little and more importantly there wasn't a scrap. Wasn't that is, until John gave a toy to both of them and someone - Baxter? - got possessive. Luckily goose is a backerdowner, so it didnt escalate, which John says is the way it should be.

Monday, March 11
I looked up dog parks and found what looked like a nice one on a hill near the randall museum. i asked john for advice on etiquette. Keep an eye on your dog, pick up poop, don't allow humping. Sounded like somethign that applied to human parks too. Keep an eye on other dogs too, avoid the badly behaved one.

i was nervous and Baxter probably knew. First thing I did was accidentally leave the doggy park gate open, but the owner of the hound that got out was good-natured about it - the owner of two rescues he clearly bonded or felt sorry for my naivete or both - and gave me advice on all the other enclosed parks.

baxter was great. For awhile. He ran around, sniffed other dogs, lost interest, found another. he seemed not to believe his good luck. Dogs! Once he looked over at me and then trotted toward me as if to say Hey! This is fun! you having fun? i was not. I was too nervous.

I watched as a dogwalker clipped in his eight big dogs while midfield. Baxter ran happily in their midst - and a large one started to step on him, pre-hump him. I should have moved sooner, but suddenly there was barking and snarling and the very large animal was freaking out and baxter was freaking. I yelled, ran over kicked pulled baxter away yelled at the dogwalker who yelled at me that i had to control my dog as his were leashed. Baxter was furious. The other dog owners milled around, shaking their heads at the dogwalker, vindicating me. I told them Baxter's story, more talk, more advice, more stories exchanged of abused dogs. Ten minutes later one of these owners' doberman started freaking out. All the dogs scattered except ... Baxter. Get your dogs he was yelling and we all ran over. Since he was nice to me i wasn't mad at him and he was clearly rattled. She was separated from her toys, he said, apologetically trying to get her under control. A damaged dog, he said.

I see that Baxter doesn't start it, but he also ramps up quickly, hurt feelings, fear, and doesn't back down. Much like his owner, I thought.

Is it always like this? I asked a woman. No, she laughed. this is a peculiar day. Great, I thought. Now I was tense but Baxter seemed fine so I let him off leash again and he was so happy just trotting around. But then he ran back into a group and tried to mount a large dog and I said, Enough, and took him back to the car where he promptly lay down in the back seat, exhausted and happy.

Tattoo number ZYT8

first dinner party

Sunday march 10

baxter's tail went up in degrees yesterday, recovering much better. mom walked him a lot and they had some good dog encounters and we had some bad ones - a little rat thing that launched himself at baxter etc.

to put him in his room or not? we have devised a method where he is leashed to a chair near us. mom said it's cruel to leave him apart from the crowd and she's right. he even lay down! a real doggie. Problem was Judith and Steve were coming over and though they are dog people I was worried. Would Baxter get too excited. I rememberdd a cow tendon i had bought and brought it out and he began to chew and when we realized he liked it we took it away to be used during dinner. and he was great. he chewed, he lay down, he socialized. His tail was down when they walked in but up by the end when we walked to the bay bridge to look at the lights.

Judith said to minimize words so he understands them. She suggested Pee Pee when he peed and his name only. So i practiced - it was surprisingly hard not to get effusive and over talk (this old dog learning new tricks). Everytime he peed I said pee-pee, baxter, good boy.

At some point he is going to think his name is either Good boy Pee pee or (hopefully) Baxter.

Baxter's lab history

Here is what the laboratory paperwork says about Baxter:

He was born on 9/19/2008 and entered the lab on 3/3/2009, when we was just 6 months old or so and had been there ever since.

They note he is jealous and once he started a fight with one of the others he was housed with because the other got to be out of the

cage with the handler. They said he was jealous. Note - these are observances from people who test on them, so please take them

with a grain of salt.

Here is a description of his personality from the lab:

"Last used on 7/6/2011" - this means he has just been sitting in the lab since then, which means EXTREMELY little human interaction.

"Newton has a very good disposition. He's very outgoing and active. We feel he would go well with kids. He gets jealous if you give other dogs attention and the "fight" looks much worse than it is.

It may be best if he was adopted our with his cage mate Orville or was the only dog in the family."

This is strange because on one piece of paper they say he was housed alone and on the other they say he was with Orville. We think they placed him alone after the fight.

We do not have any other info. I asked the technician about walks and she said they did not go on leash. They really never exited the cages except for tests.

My advice is to not take him to any dog parks until he is neutered. Walks on leash around other dogs is ok, sniffing is okay, but not too much until he's snipped :)

I think it's great focusing on getting him to trust you and other humans before that.

The potty will take a while, but once he feels safer, it will get easier. He does not understand anything right now -he's like a newborn child with no sense of right or wrong or good or bad.

Positive reinforcement in getting him to learn his name is the first step. Once he gets it, it will be easier to teach him other things.

First NPR show, more cat efforts

Good tips on how to understand Baxter: http://www.savethehounds.org/laboratorybeagles.html

He freaked out when we turned on the TV and this morning mom wanted to listen to Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me npr show. Baxter approached the radio, wary and puzzled. Voices! Coming from this box!

We're letting him off leash in the house, blocking off the stairs. He did make a break once when he saw Mia, and then got through the cat door. Otherwise he has even lain down a few times, though jumping up at sudden noises or sudden movements. Today, after a long walk with mom beyond Farley's and back, he seems mellower. Happier to be out in the yard - but Maxine added a nice distraction for awhile - and not pacing so much in the house.

Plus his first poop since the night before being neutered (three nights ago), on the porch, a smelly, watery thing, but which garnered him a lot of praise from me.

doggycam

Friday, dinner with mom and wendy at Frances. watched him from the restaurant on the dropcam. a little circling but then he'd disappear for awhile, presumably in his box or under the bed. i checked in on him multiple times until even i began to feel a little creepy.

First 20 plus mph wind. He alternately pointed into it, ears flapping nose sniffing, and suddenly jumped, thinking he'd been hit by something when it was just a gust or a blowing leaf. mom and i walked to kansas then down a one way street then to an empty lot i'd never seen. houses with all kinds of tree patches, with stones, with grasses, with high brick walls around them. I'm nto a house noticer anymore, i'm a corner noticer ,where the dogs pee, and a grassy spot noticer.

while we were walking baxter was attacked by a tiny palm sized dog. ball-less now, he seemed very perturbed, and barked and wanted to follow the rat long after it and it's owner had turned the corner. he literally sat down and wouldn't move. if i was to anthropomorphize, i would say he was hurt, then scared, then because he was scared barking furiously. He was good, stock still, tail wagging, head high, ears forward and the little creep just lunged and snapped.

we settled in to watch tv, the stairs blocked and the cats either upstairs or downstairs. turned the tv on and baxter freaked. scared to death of th sound or the movement, hard to say.

he's jumpier, starting at every sound, ducking at every sudden movement. think he's shedding some of the shellshock, starting to absorb this strange new world.

First Neutering

I brought Baxter in to get his testicles off and clean his teeth. I cried, knowing that this was so like the life he had just had - vet techs circling, holding down, shots, intubation, woozy awakening pain.

they tried to put a collar on him but he freaked. the more he freaked the more i freaked. i bought a different one - sort of a life preserver - but that was no better. i was angry, though it wasn't really their fault - this was protocol supposedly so he didn't aggravate the wound - and finally the vet came out and we agreed if i stayed with him constantly to patrol his scar-licking we could forgo it. (turns out he isn't a scar licker and the whole thing was unnecessary.)

Nerves frayed i took him home. he was woozy, tipsy, kept sitting and almost falling over. i wanted him to lie down but he didn't. probaby was dizzy. the only thing that perked him up were the cats. in fact they could tell he was offbalance and not as eager and so they were braver, closer and i hoped for a cat kiss but no. Baxter seemed to get worse not better, throwing up water, unable to walk straight, looking sick and sad and it tortured me. I lost my shit when I couldn't pain pill him. my mom and wendy had to calm me down and finally wendy said this is about you in pain not him in pain. Which was probably true. I slept with him at night and he got up twice to gag and throw up though first thing in the morning he seemed much better, though i called the vet anyway. All i could think of was if he suffered so much under anaesthia today what living hell was his life in a lab like??? Perhaps this was why his last "experiment" according to his lab papers, was 2011.

Now ball - less with gleaming teeth, I am curious as to his personality.

First cat swat

went for a walk with goose and john. we walked to the overpass to see if it would be a good place to watch the bridge lighting. on the way there was an open door and a large, raggedly black tom sititng in the doorway, completely unfazed by the two dogs coming toward him. A woman in her 50's was on the sidewalk, talking to someone inside who turned out to be a woman in her eighties. We approached, and Baxter caught sight of the cat. The women weren't on guard at all, so I asked if it was okay if Baxter met the cat. Sure they said, he's a tough old guy. He's fine with dogs. He eyes Baxter with disdain as B practiced his new restraint, walking slowly, sniffing, sometimes stopping to look away (a bluff. he was shaking with excitement). The cat was curious too, and extended his own nose, still not very happy about this tail wagging loud sniffing creature (Baxter sniffs like a locomotive) But he didn't run, and baxter sniffed his way right to the kitty's nose, at which point there was a sniff, possible wetnose contact, and the cat, annoyed pulled back, but baxter didn't. He still wanted to sniff, thinking this was a dog, no doubt. Whap whap whap the cat gave him three cuffs to this nose. Baxter wasn't scared, just a little surprised, unhurt, and he kept sniffing and the cat batted and hissed again and then when baxter only paused, continuing to sniff, he took a few steps back, and crouched there, glaring. I pulled baxter away. That was enough. First official cat meeting, and I can go back and tell Wendy in no uncertain terms that he doesn't eat cats.

Here are some of my search topics: how to housetrain your adult dog.
raw food pet stores sf
beagle freedom project

how cats and dogs should meet

on an afternoon walk

i've eschewed all dog training skills and mandates to be alpha and letting baxter decide his walk. he wants to stop, we stop. he wants to go we go. i figure he hasn't had any free will in his life, so he deserves it. plus he has to learn about choices.

i notice i am becoming THAT mother, the one who speaks loudly to her toddler for everyone to hear. ooh, look baxter a leaf blowing in the wind. ah, a bus baxter, so big and shiny and loud. Jesus. How quickly we change when there is some cute cuddly creature involved.

First head in a lap

he put his head in wendy's lap last night

dropcam set up
poop happened at 5.32 am. lots of circling. i got up at 6.30 am so i missed the drop by an hour.

routine down - get up put on dog clothes let him into the back porch hope cats don't rile him up get his food, try to drink coffee, wait until he can't stand being away from the cats and bring him back in and distract him from food. walk him.

wendy walked him for about an hour. when she came back she freaked because she didn't realize and had a 9 am meeting. time flies when you're walking him she shouted it's so fun.

have to find a good chew toy, doesn't seem to be able to eat dry food well. went to jeremy's, got raw food.

went into his plastic crate (withotu a door) and lay down!

First fight with a Mastiff

Alicia wants to come say hi. should i bring valentine? i hesitate. i like the idea of dogs running around the enclosed yard, the romp and joy and play of it. problem is, valentine is a mastiff. she's a scardy cat, says alicia. she runs at everything. she has to come over on a leash anyway, as she has a bad knee and isn't allowed to run.
but there's a fight almost right away. two dogs on leashes may be it. that valentine is huge. that the enclosure is small. lots of things. but valentine barks once at baxter then baxter gets very defensive and then it's full scale barking. not good.

both of us are cowed when we go back in the room baxter seems tired. bone tired. world weary. like he's saying The World is A Mean Place, Not Sure Why I'm Here sort of thing. I scratch his neck, tell him it's all okay. he gets under the bed and lies down. not a peep when i get up. doesn't greet me when i come back in.
i need to get the little guy snipped.

First Night walk

first night walk with wendy and i. lights of stranger. first hello from a bicyclist, a young white guy with a grocery back in one hand. first sand! very freaked.
first fireengine - jammie barked and baxter terrified ran this way and that, not understanding, and not knowing how to act.

i put all the weewee pads down upside down. wendy thinks this is funny and adorable.

Cat Intro

I brought him into the yard at night. he sniffed around. The cats, hearing us leave, the clackclackclack of his paws, come down to the bottom of the stairs. Perfectly lit inside, Baxter spots them from the top of the stairs. he walks down carefully, still learning steps, then walks carefully to the glass. He stands there, seeming to know that too much fuss scares them off. For a long time he stares, even whining  alittle from the tension and the need to be friends. once when he pads back to me, as if to say, look! dogs! i want to play. maxine comes right to the window and sits. he bounds to her and she retreats, not far, and he can't figure out where but then does and manages to stand there for a long time just llooking. the cats seem fine, loving his agony, maybe talking to him, i couldn't say. after about half an hour it's just too cold so i leash him take his to the door, knock on the glass to warn the cats, who don't move and open the door. Baxter seems to know that if he wants to make friends he has to cool it - something the dog park may have taught him and so we stand there for awhile and he doesn't scrabble his paws just leans forward and the cats stay still and i slacken the leash and he still doesn't move. we take a few steps forward, he still slow, but shaking with the excitement, the effort of it, and this goes on for fifteen minutes, stopping, looking, walking forward, he pulling then not pulling, sniffing, so eager. the cats kind of enjoying it, maxine on the stairs mia farther back. he shakes with anticipation, oh, he is trying, hihihihihi, his body is saying, tail as high as a flag, ears forward. step by step even past maxine (to her disappointment i think) he sees her but he can't concentrate on two so he picks mia, usually teh scaredy cat, now coming forward in slow motion then stopping, slow motion back, baxter shaking shaking shaking, until about five feet apart mia loses her nerve and disappears down the stair and baxter suddenly cant' stand it and all his composure is gone and scrabblescrabble scrabblemaddash but the cat is gone. The excitement for all of them!

the next mornign all baxter's composure is gone. he rushes from the room (leashed) and maxine bolts.

First leaving

The afternoon of the second full day I decided i would try to leave. i lay on the bed and he lay under and then i just got up. i listened for whining or doorscratching. Nothing. When I came back he unscrambled sleepily from under the bed. Success! I brought a crate and he was curious and sniffed forever but didn't put more than his front legs in.

He sniffs me all over when i come in. usually i just lie down and let him. i got a hand lick earlier today but so far no face kiss.

He flinches more now. It's as if the numbness has worn off and his fears are more on the surface.

he freaks out with motorcyles. right now he's circling around going under the bed, out the other side to the window then around again. i walk to the window and he follows me and i say get away get away get away in an incantation to nothing out there and he finally calms down.

FIrst Dog Fight(s)

He's been here two and a half days. We went to the dog park first thing. I was hoping for a poop or at least a high tail. Once again he perked up whenever he saw dogs, ears forward tail up, nose sniffing. He was too forward with an unleashed male of his size who snapped at him and kept snapping and he snapped back. I kept them apart using my feet and the owner was unphazed. you always do this when i'm on the phone he said goodnaturedly to his dog. Baxter seemed a little saddened by the whole thing. He still nosed other dogs with too much enthusiasm, not understanding that there was a wooing process, just like with human friendships, and they responded by not playing, getting annoyed. He's gong to have to learn from his peers. He had a cagemate, supposedly, but that's it for socialization. Really, it's pretty amazing, how well he's doing.

Baxter is peeing less inside more outside but no poop this first walk, though he ate. He seems to have trouble eating dry food, and though he's eating a little more he still doesn't finish.

Second walk of the day was with steve and denise and jammy. it was a first time meet. jammy is a grumpy old lady and not excited to be with Baxter, though steve and denise were. Baxter of course was thrilled.

Cats

We've kept him separated from the cats, or rather they've fled from him but now they're curious and there was that one close call with maxine where he and i were lying on the porch and she walked by, not realizing he was there.

Tonight I took him out to pee and the cats came downstairs to look at us from the living room. He saw them and got up on his hind legs and stood their staring at them Let's Be Friends he seemed to be saying. they sat there, surprisingly sure of the glass, and watched him while he got more and more excited. I let them acclimate then finally brought him in via collar and they dashed before he got a glimpse.

Alone in the Car

I had an appt and wendy had one too - both of us out of the house, so what to do with Baxter? I walked him to the car, put down some pads and then bent to pick him up. he cowered, and i thought, i should leave him somewhere he is accustomed to at least, not all this shuffling around, so i walked him back in the house and into his room. but he began to scratch the door frantically right away, so i relented, went back up, leashed him, took him to the car, put him in. wendy gave me a pep talk, be calm, it's okay, tell the tax person you don't have much time as you have a sick dog in the car.

the whole drive over he tore at his weeweepad. it broke my heart. i parked, petted him, said i'll be back i promise, and sprinted to the tax person. disheveled I said, I have a sick dog, a sick dog i love dogs, well not exactly sick, a rescue, oh boy, we have to get out fast. i signed and sprinted back.

the weepad was in shreds. baxter was not throwing himself against the seats, instead he sat up when i got in, cowered over to the other side, looking at me, submissive, wary. i got in put my arms around him told him i was so sorry i wasn't leaving i wasn't caging him. i felt terrible he was in a strange place, all these sounds, the confusion. the way he was then, and when i lifted him back out of the car, and he went into a doggie fetal position, that's when my heart broke and i knew on a deep intuitive level just how sad he was.

The Freegle Arrives

it's like being on mars, she said. he didn't want to eat or drink. he perked his head up when he heard birds not knowoing what they were. he cowered when i pssst him when he peed against a chair.

when you approach he stops but not from happiness, a look comes over him, resignation, submission.

he mistook his reflection in the oven for another beagle and became excited. he had spent his life in a cate with a dog named zeke.  

i took him to the vet, near tears. they said what a good dog he was when they examined him, no one needed to hold him.
 of course, i said.
at the vet a dog came out and baxter got all excited and i had to restrain him. then he kept seeing his reflection in the glass and thiought it was another dog, and kept trotting toward it happily then stopping short.

he was 30 pounds and healthy, said the vet. good weight, good muscalature, some teeth tartar but they prob won't have to pull. no one knows if he has had shots because the lab didn't give any paperwork so the suppostiion is no. she said she'd studied animal lab science was trying to remember if  and i stiffened up. j
when he's scared he stiffens then relaxes as if resigned.
i asked john for a crate and he brought one and then we spent some time in the yard. baxter figured out how to go up stairs, though it took him awhile. he wouldn't come to whre we were sitting, thinking the tall grass was a barrier.

housetraining is going to be hard. inside and outside don't seem to have meaning for him. our yard is deck for the first two levels and only the third one has grass. he likes trotting around, or pacing, depending on your point of view and i don't know what mine is.

when we came home he lunged at the cats, all excited. oh boy.

we gave him a bath. john said he smelled as if he'd never had a bath and of course he probably hasn't. why would they bother?
i got in the bath with him and was soon covered in hair. he struggled and shivered and i held him and he tolerated it but he was scared. we need more training bathing him.

now he's under the bed in the guest room. and i'm on it. he was pacing but i don't knwo what's on his mind. i just watch his tail. tail up: ok. tail down: give him love.

c

First Doggy Date

John says Goose is good with every dog. So we make a doggy date. He lives a block away. Wendy walks us partway there and lo and behold there's a woman with two dogs in the median. one is tiny the other about the size of Baxter. Might as well. Can my dog meet your dogs? i ask. Sure the woman says, and walks over. Tail up! Body wags. Happy sniffs of butt and noses. Baxter is thrilled. He has probably never seen dogs outside of beagles. He doesn't try to hump. First strange dog hello! Have you lived here long, the woman, who introduces herself as Miriam and says she's been on this block for 15 years says. 20 years, I say. But you know, first dog. yes, it's the dogs, she says. A foster i say. IT's never just a foster, she says and wendy laughs and says yes.  A foster, I repeat.

Goose leaps across the road. Dog heaven! Baxter is once again tail high ears forward, not believing his good fortune. we walk to the dog park and john schools me on dog park ettiquette. okay to have a dog with balls as long as he's leashed. nicer not to but.
show him how to poop John tells Goose but goose bounds off, a rescue dog herself, and the happiest dog I've ever seen. there's some playing but it's not the same on a leash. sorry baxter i say. they run alongside then split off to different smells. we get a small marking from baxter. duck hearts all around!

First Doze on Shoulder

I bring him to the backyard without checking it first, and send Maxine scrambling. Baxter doesn't even notice her. While I walk to the upper level to coax her out of the bushes he pees on the wooden bench. Opportunity missed! The women at the pet store said to "give him a party" everytime.

But he began circling again and hallejiah, a marking. does a marking count? I decide so, praise him, proffer a duck heart. he's pleased, tail up and wagging. he likes the duck hearts. smart boy, he goes back and marks again. Party! More praise, a duck heart, a neck scratch. Tail up. Then a dribble against the wall. Duck heart party! I'm not sure he understands, but we are having fun.

I lie down on the decking. He sits beside me, and I don;t move. i don't want to scare him. he seems to like the feel of the sun. probably not me. but it feels good, this creature, not exactly serene, but for a moment not scared.

 he looks down, long wet sniff on my nose and lips. It's a kiss, I'm sure of it. Then he lies down, puts his head on my shoulder. I have a duck heart party in my heart. I feel his clammy breath on my cheek. i close my eyes. it's so quiet. the sun is shining but it's not too hot. I think he may be figuring out the differene between outside and inside.

 He climbs the stone steps and sits and a breeze kicks up and suddenly the cherry blossoms are falling. He sits there nose up, mesmerized, not quite understanding, but knowing it's okay, like a child in her first snow.

First long walk

He and i are going for a walk to Farley's. Doggie bags fan like ears from my pockets and i've grabbed a handful of  the "special snacks" - which are actually dried duck hearts - for the party when he poops or pees outside.

out we go.

there's a strange distance with a dog that's damaged. they behave properly but something is missing. he perks up at movement - the man exiting his house interests him, as does the jogger, and the woman pushing the baby cart. toddlers interest him, if they are moving and birds too, momentarily. we walked past a school and he looked at the children as if saying dogs? dogs? and figuring good enough.

at Thinkers Cafe we stop but he ignores the drink bowl and seems at once interested and confused at what is going on aroudn him, and i am suddenly aware of how much noise there is in our everyday world. humans holding coffees talk too loud, truck squeak and rumble, doors slam. he jerks this way and that, not exactly freaked out but not that happy either. when i hold him i realize he is trembling. is he just excited? he doesn't look scared but then i see his tail. tail down.

the whole walk his tail is down except for the one dog tied to a chair at farley's he tries to say hello to and who lunges snapping at him. he's just protecting the sandwich the owner says apologetically nodding to the food in her husband's hand. baxter seems momentarkly abashed but then walks on. he recovers fast.

back in the room he crawls under the bed again. i give him less special treats, which he pushes aroiund with his nose but isn't interested in. then he chews the rug for awhile until i ask him to stop and put a blanket over it. he's sleeping now, tired out i hope, little legs not used to the uphills and the rough concrete.

First full day together

Got up to walk him. the room thick with rescue doggy smell. still foggy out. he doesn't pee and i can see from his point of view that outside, inside, it all has hard floors and noise, just one's a little colder and, what's that? his ears perk and he looks up. Birds. Okay, one has birds. 
Tail down, we walk. the patch of succulents under my tree, the place that other dogs find so tempting and that infuriates me when a leaf is broken off, the redwood chips scattered onto the street and sidewalk - i now lead him too it. Poop! Pee! kick the redwood chips! he does none of this, doesn't seem to think it's anyting special. 

He paces the room From window to door and I see it his life suddenly life a series of boxes for, this room to that room to th back porch tooth estreet. All ages until he saw insider
Mthat he was free

How to housetrain a damaged dog? Who cowers and runs at a sharp sound a sudden move toward him. For awhile I give up. Let him pee. It's clean-up-ble. I feel something release inside me. I'm a neat freak, i like eveything in order, but now the house smells like old dog, there is a Yellow drip on bed leg. Who cares. It washes. The room smells like scared dog. How quickly my own boundaries change never thinning that the porch qualified as outside but now praising him as he lands a poop.  Then cries a little as he shuffles around trying to get rid of it all. Upset stomach clearly and I hovering nearby unsure, weighing praise with his propriety that apologetic look all animals have when they are pooping even humans.

I scare him by trying to pet him and he snaps just a little - the reaching for him or touching him scared him. I just want to love y I say burying my face into his neck scratching him there hoping he sees it that way too and not just as a human way too close too near.